Anxiety-Inducing Friendship

I think it’s been almost a month since I stopped getting what I call “psychosomatic attacks.” Basically, my body likes to act up whenever there’s a psychological stress. Suddenly I’d have diarrhea, headache, nausea, and vomiting, for example. I started taking Cipralex (Escitalopram) last month to help me with this phenomenon (I used to take Zoloft) and it helped a lot. The psychosomatic symptoms didn’t appear until… just now. 

I know why it happened. I had a quarrel with some close friends because they were being stubborn and didn’t respect me without having a single clue about it. I drove 2 hours to our meeting place and they were late for half an hour, they didn’t have any excuse for being lage, they didn’t even bother to contact me when they arrived and they outright refused my suggestions. I had been patient with them for a long time but this time I’d had enough and explained that what they did absolutely disappointed me and I quit from our chat group. One of them didn’t even bother to apologize, which made me feel more certain about leaving them. 

Okay, so what they did was intolerable for me, I was angry, and I decided to leave. It seems rational. But why does this cause me anxiety?

They were probably my closest friends in medical school and I didn’t like them. It’s not like I won’t talk to them or anything, but I’m just gonna stop hanging out with them. I feel better without them right now, but there’s a thing that keeps bugging me: what if I can’t find friends afterwards? I have horrible people skills and the trigger of my first depression episode 7 years ago was caused by loneliness. I didn’t have any friend and it scares me to think that I would experience that loneliness once more. It scares me to the point of causing psychosomatic symptoms. 

And I don’t know what it is I should do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act in such situations. I used to have no friends and now I’m angry at people who are my close friends because I don’t think they deserve me. My mom tells me that I should befriend people who have good social skills because obviously my previously good friends didn’t. But I’m not good at talking, especially to those kind of people. I’m thoroughly uninteresting and I usually just don’t know what to say. Then my mom suggested I get a boyfriend, which is even more impossible. 

Gosh, it’s only been a month and I already need to see my psychiatrist.

If you feel like you want to respond/have some ideas about having a good social life and avoid loneliness, please do comment! 

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