Alan Watts once said…

Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.

I feel it difficult to let go of the image of the person you wish to be. Ever since I recovered from my years of depression I’ve learned something new about myself every day, and the realizations are many times quite surprising. I have a theory about it that involves Erikson’s theory about the stages of personality development. I lost the moments when I should’ve known myself because my black dog began to appear during my teenage years. It pretty much shielded me from the outside world, making me focus on loathing myself.

So, the self-loathing thing happened yesterday. I don’t know what caused it (I try to analyze myself but sometimes it’s just difficult), but I suspect it has something to do with my inconsistency.

I’m rather jealous of my friends who are a constant, predictable human being. Sometimes I think I know myself but then my moods surprise me and tell me, nope, you’re not exactly who you think you are. I tried to get some control on myself but my mood insisted that I follow it first instead. I don’t know if this has something to do with being bipolar (it probably has), but it sure does frustrate the hell out of me.

My opinions and spirit on a single thing changes depending on my mood as well. Sometimes I feel like I’m so fired up I want to do a lot of things, other times I don’t care about the world. My sister has learned not to trust my words because of it. I learned not to trust myself with every passing desire. It would pass and a new thing will arrive and thus my mind keeps changing. The truth is that I am made of inconsistency.


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