I don’t know if it’s because I hurt myself the other day, or because I made wrong decisions about who I should be friends with, but right now I feel like I don’t want anyone to love me because I’m such a wreck. I feel embarrassed of myself. I don’t want to make any effort to do anything. There would be no one who could understand and even I’m not sure if I’m valid. And that leaves me with… nothing. Absolutely nothing. Life goes on, but it just is. I have no suicidal ideation, but what I feel is akin to that—I’m killing myself slowly by isolation.
There’s one more thing I want to draw. Just one thing! The Doctor kissing Clara cheekily on the corner of her mouth, and Clara acting surprised because the Doctor finally initiated something. Her eyes wide and big, the Doctor smiling as he kissed.
(The Doctor probably came to drop off some flowers or a ticket for her birthday or something)
Also, the one fic where the Doctor takes Clara to a planet called Ilov-U. Clara spitting her coffee.
The Doctor being unexpectedly affectionate and Clara being surprised but pleased.
When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel like doing anything.
I wanted to play a game I just bought on my iPad, Bully. I also wanted to read some books and comics I haven’t finished reading. Or maybe watch TV shows since I just subscribed to Netflix. Then I remembered I had ideas about a story I wanted to write, and I thought I should be writing them. But I didn’t know which one I would actually do so I just sat, not knowing what to do.
Usually on a day off I would draw. I remember dr. Bowo (my “secondary” psychiatrist, as in the one I go to when my primary one isn’t available) told me to make a schedule and just follow it no matter what. I decided that mornings are for drawings, so I forced myself to draw. I was planning to make a watercolor painting because I was bored with monochromatic drawings with graphite.
First I looked at many issues ImagineFX magazines I’ve collected throughout the years, looking for inspiration.
See, even now I’m too lazy to finish this.
Anyway, some drawing ideas:
- an autopsy scene. it could be a modern autopsy with a sci-fi setting. I need references for this.
- Clara and the Doctor dressed for the Orient Express
- portrait of David Tennant as the 10th Doctor, painted with watercolor
- what of my unwritten story about Lynne Ashe the death investigator?
- which books should I read??
- which magazine tutorial should I try out?? maybe I should begin with the oldest issue??
- when should i draw?? every saturday probably?? other days I do other things besides drawing.
I’m having one of those moments again. I feel nauseated and I want to vomit, the usual symptoms of my depression. It must be because I’m gonna hit that part of the month. I can’t find any other reason that could be the cause. I was pissed at my mom this morning, but nothing happened after i addressed my problem with her. I observed an autopsy in the afternoon but the nausea didn’t get worse even with the sight of a corpse’s body being opened with a knife. Or is it because I found about some unpleasant scene in a Doctor Who episode? (I’d really hate myself if it’s right!) God, I hate it when I don’t know what’s causing this!
I’ve had depression for around five years and it was only in 2016 that I was diagnosed with bipolar II. I’ve received treatment ever since then and I’m currently in partial remission. I’m still trying to learn how to handle my thoughts but changing one’s view of the world is not something that can be done in a single night for people with mental illness–it is something you have to work at constantly and patiently for years. For me, being a medical student also adds to the problem.
The past year of medical school has been stressful for me. I was ready to give up and fail the rotation. I felt empty and I didn’t know what to do. I had lost the idea of who I was, figuring that depression had bereaved me of it. So I revisited an old TV show I used to love when I was in high school, Doctor Who. I thought maybe it’ll help me remember who I am.
It’s been a few years since I stopped drawing due to medical school and mental illness. I came back to the art world after a year of medications, feeling calm and confident enough to start a drawing and finish it. I’ve made several colored pictures afterwards (usually I just sketch), and I’m happy to learn more about how to make a good picture. I’ve been reading tutorials and James Gurney’s book Color and Light, and I want nothing more than to learn as much as I can. I have this silly ambition to have the skill to create, though I don’t know what use it’ll have for me.
Since I watched the latest series of BBC sci-fi TV show Doctor Who last year, I was inspired to draw The Doctor and Clara Oswald. Thank goodness, these amazing characters written by Steven Moffat made me start drawing again. The big fandom of Doctor Who also helps in terms of support.
And there’s this thing I’ve discovered: I draw very, very slowly. Ten years ago it used to take me around 2 hours to make a single drawing. Now I don’t get satisfied with a drawing when I do it in one sitting. Maybe I just need to get used to drawing again. Or maybe med school has made me so tired that I can’t finish something immediately, I don’t know. God knows how many days I have spent for the drawing above!